Excerpt

Chapter 1:  Snoring Nation

More than 90 million Americans snore every night. And for every snorer blissfully grinding his gears while he sleeps, there is someone next to him — a snoree – who suffers through a sleepless night.

Wake up America, you are a snoring nation, and this book is for you.  Maybe it’s you who snores.  Maybe it’s your husband or wife.  Or maybe it’s your partner or your roommate who snores.  It could be your kids.  Or maybe even it’s your dog – yes, pets snore too, although it’s difficult to tell when tropical fish snore, as it all sounds like gurgling.

If you snore, or if you try to sleep next to a snorer, then this book is for you.

It’s not just an American thing – it’s a snoring world.  Consider this: nearly 40 percent of the adult world snores. That’s almost 2 billion snorers, and at least 2 billion snorees, depending upon how many people sleep in the same room, house or hut.

They are snoring (ibiki) in Tokyo. They are snoring (ronflement) in Paris. They are snoring (schnarchen) in Berlin. They are snoring (храп) in Moscow.  They are snoring (roncando) in Caracas.  They are especially snoring in the Netherlands(snurken, snorken, knorren, ronken, stertor, reutelen, rochelen, geronk, gesnurk).

I may have trouble with phrasebooks, and the languages may be different, but the sound of snoring needs no translation.  Snorers and snorees of the world, unite!

Table 1

Snoring Translated Around The World

Language Word for Snore or Snoring Translation

American English

snore, stertor, rhonchus, snark, saw logs, drive pigs to market

Grrrgchroar

English English

I say, snoring Grrrgchroar

Canadian English

snoring, eh?

Grrrgchroar

Danish

snorken Grrrgchroar

Dutch

snurken, snorken, knorren, ronken, stertor, reutelen, rochelen, geronk, gesnurk Grrrgchroar

French

ronflement, ronflez, vrombir Grrrgchroar

German

schnarchen Grrrgchroar

Hebrew

נחרני (stertorous) Grrrgchroar

Hungarian

hortyogó, hortyogás Grrrgchroar

Italian

russamento Grrrgchroar

Japanese

ibiki, kansui (accomplishment, brackish water, flooding, sprinkling, submerge) Grrrgchroar

Portuguese

ronco (bellow, growl, grunt, rhonchus, snore) ressono Grrrgchroar

Real Latin

stertere Grrrgchroar

Pig Latin

oringsnay

RoarGrrrgchsnay

Romanian

sforãitor (highfaluting, high-flown, snorting), sforãialã (bunkum, snort, snorting), horcãit (ruckle, snore, snort, snorting), horãit Grrrgchroar

Russian

храп Grrrgchroar

Spanish

roncando Grrrgchroar

Swedish

snarka, snarkning Grrrgchroar

Turkish

gırgır (carpet sweeper, hell, sweep net) Grrrgchroar

Ukranian

Хропіння (khropinnia) Grrrgchroar
Welsh chwyrniad (snarl, snore)

Grrrgchroar

 

If you live in any of the countries in Table 1, or even if your country is NOT in Table 1, and you snore or live with a snorer, this book is for you. If you would like your country to be listed in Table 1, please write to the author (rob@snorebook.com).

As a word, “snoring” first appeared in English literature in the early 1300s. It comes from the Middle English snoren, to snort, and from the Old English fnora, to sneeze. In Turkey, snoring comes from the word gırgır that means carpet sweeper or hell.  Hmmmm, I think the Turks have it right.  As a concept, snoring was around in the Garden of Eden – why do you think Eve kicked Adam out?  The whole snake-apple thing was overstated. Adam was the original snorer (the original “original sin”) because men are twice as likely to snore as women. Overweight men are even more likely; overweight men over 40, even more likely; and overweight men over 40 who sleep on their backs, drink beer, smoke, snack before going to bed and only exercise by flipping the remote are even more likely.  Did I leave any men out? 

Eve, and women of the world – this book is for you.

And since men sleep with men on ships, this book is for some men, too. 

Snoring is everywhere.  On the Internet, the word “snoring” is searched an average of 1,220 times per day, while “stop snoring” is only searched 323 times per day. If you do the math, does that mean 897 people are searching to start snoring?  No, they are searching for specific cures. “Snoring surgery” is searched 35 times per day. “Snoring pillows” are searched 11 times per day.  “Snoring spray” is searched 13 times. “Snoring dogs” is searched six times per day. 

One can assume that male dogs over the age of six (42 in human years) that eat too much and don’t exercise are more likely to snore.  If female dogs had thumbs, they’d search the Internet for cures, too.

Pet owners, and pets with thumbs, you are part of our snoring nation, and this book is for you.

On a serious note, snoring can be the symptom of something more dangerous – sleep apnea, or stoppage of breathing – a potentially life-threatening condition.  While this book will address some non-critical sleepless conditions, if you have sleep apnea, this book is not for you.  You should seek proper medical attention.

This book is for the perpetrators and the victims of what is now fashionably called “anti-social snoring.” My definition: anti-social snoring, while not life-threatening, does threaten the quality of life of both the snorer and the snoree, especially when the snoree threatens the snorer’s life.

If you haven’t guessed by now, I am an anti-social snorer and my wife is the recipient of my anti-social activity.  To find a cure for my snoring, I read almost every book, visited almost every website, and consulted every doctor and sleep specialist I could find.  I followed everyone’s advice.  I lost weight, stopped drinking, stopped smoking (before I even started), changed sleeping positions, changed pillows, un-deviated my deviated septum, dilated my sinuses with acid, shaped my palate with lasers, irrigated my nasal passages, used herbal sprays, tried bizarre mouth and chin devices only sold through the Internet and removed my uvula before I even knew what or where it was.

Sometimes I miss my uvula.

Trying these cures and my wife’s patience is what led me to write this book.  However, the more cures I tried, and the more I snored, and the more frustrated we became, a new sound started emerging from the bedroom. Laughter. Snoring became funny for both of us.  Moreover, we discovered that by laughing about my snoring we were able to acknowledge its impact on our life as a couple.  I was able to “own the problem” and search for a cure, and write a book in which I actually use “owning the problem” in a sentence.

I’m a self-help guru now.

Aside from an occasional whack in the head, or sleeping in the next room, laughter truly became the best medicine. Humor — and some surgeries on my nose — saved our relationship. 

Because let’s face it, snoring only becomes a problem when it’s in a relationship.  Does anyone who sleeps alone try to stop snoring?  Do they even know they snore?  No way.  What’s that old adage? “If a man snores in the forest, and there’s no one to hear it, was there a sound?”    

Who cares.  Snoring’s not philosophy, it’s noise.  If you don’t believe me, just ask Mrs. Sartre.